Transitioning from parenting small children to raising tweens or teens is a rollercoaster filled with challenges, learning opportunities, and a whirlwind of emotions. One mom on TikTok, who shares content using the handle @cyndygdub, perfectly encapsulates this struggle in her viral video. She nostalgically recalls how, when her children were younger, summer afternoons were spent at the park or playing outside. “And now they just want to be in their rooms,” she shares sorrowfully, adding that her kids no longer seem interested in activities like bowling or watching movies with her.
The Guilt Trip
This mom expresses a deep sense of guilt over not planning enough activities or taking her teens somewhere every day. She laments that the summer feels wasted, especially as she watches other families travel to far-off places. Commenters empathize, many sharing that they are going through the same thing. Some TikTokers gently suggest that she is grieving the loss of her children’s younger years, a sentiment that resonates deeply as my own girls grow into semi-independent teens before my eyes.
But should we feel guilty that our older kids aren’t signed up for camps or engaged in activities every moment of the summer like when they were younger? Experts weigh in to help answer that question and provide some much-needed reassurance.
It’s OK for Teens to Plan Their Summer
Allowing your teen to be self-sufficient in planning their summer is a delicate balance with finding the right level of parental involvement, according to Kristie Tse, LMHC, founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling. “Preteens and teens benefit from having the freedom to make their own plans,” she tells Parents, adding that developing their independence is key to sharpening decision-making skills and growing their confidence.
David Guggenheim, PsyD, National Director of Psychotherapy at Talkiatry, echoes this sentiment. “There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to planning summer days for your teen,” he tells Parents. For some teens, the school year is very structured, and summer offers a much-needed break from the routine. He suggests offering your teen a variety of activities to choose from. “Sometimes finding activities of interest to them—and not necessarily to you—is a good way to spend time together,” Dr. Guggenheim says. That might include playing video games, tennis, or shopping.
Becca Wallace, PsyD, psychologist with Children’s Hospital New Orleans, notes that having their buy-in will increase their pleasure and engagement in activities, especially as they get older. She adds, “Older teens with access to their own transportation can be encouraged to do certain activities to get them out of their room but not be forced.”
Top 5 Products for Surviving a Teen’s Summer
- Noise-Canceling Headphones: Perfect for both you and your teen. They get to ignore you in peace, and you get some quiet time too!
- Portable Charger: Ensure your teen’s devices never die while they’re avoiding family activities.
- Indoor Mini Basketball Hoop: For when they need a break from their rooms but can’t be bothered to go outside.
- Funny Parenting Book: “I’d Rather Be Reading: A Library of Humorous Writing” to lighten your mood.
- DIY Craft Kits: Engage their creative side without actually having to leave the house.
No, You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty Over a Low-Key Summer
As the TikTok creator achingly shares, it’s the guilt over her teens not having much to do this summer that gnaws at her—not so much worrying that they aren’t happy. The good news/bad news is that, as Dr. Guggenheim jokes, “Guilt is a part of parenting!” And it’s normal for parents to feel like they’re not doing enough.
Joel Gator Warsh, MD, board-certified pediatrician and author of “Parenting at Your Child’s Pace,” says, “Parents need not feel guilty if their older children have unstructured summers or display reduced interest in activities.” He explains that it is common for teenagers to experience periods of low motivation or prioritize downtime. Tse also reassures caregivers by explaining that downtime can be crucial in fostering a teen’s self-reflection and much-needed relaxation. “It’s vital to create an environment where teens feel supported in their choices, rather than pressured to fill their calendar with activities,” Tse says. “Embracing this balance can help both parents and teens find peace during the summer months.”
Dr. Warsh adds that as teens grow, it’s natural for them to become less reliant on their parents. “They need to know that you’re there, that they’re loved, supported, and that you’re keeping them safe,” he says. “If you’re able to check those boxes, you’re doing your best, even if it means they’re choosing to spend less time with you.” Wendi Waits, MD, adult, child, and adolescent psychiatrist at Talkiatry, agrees: “Parents who are doing their best to support their kids emotionally and to ensure that their environment is safe and healthy should have no reason to feel guilty.”
Embrace a Changing Relationship with Your Teen
If, like the TikToker—and me—you are still having a hard time letting go, you aren’t alone. Dr. Arenivar acknowledges that this time of transition can be emotional. He encourages parents to share their feelings with others going through the same stage and with professionals.
But it’s not all doom and gloom. Look at this time as an opportunity to—as your teen might say—do you, however unnatural it feels at first. “Parents have a chance to rediscover some of their own interests and hobbies that might have fallen off as they were raising their young children into their teenage years,” Dr. Arenivar says, adding that this is a time when we can focus on building stronger friendships and relationships.
To that end, Dr. Wallace encourages parents, “Make plans for yourself, regain your independence. Sign up for that class you are interested in—invest in yourself.” And know that your relationship with your child is not over; it’s just changing. Dr. Warsh says it’s okay to embrace feelings of loss and your evolving role as a parent. “Finding new ways to connect with older children through shared activities fosters closeness,” he suggests.
That must be why I’ve so enjoyed watching “Outer Banks” with my 13-year-old every night before bed!
Red Flags to Look Out For
Keep in mind, it’s possible there is more going on. Dr. Waits shares red flags to watch for that might indicate your adolescent is not just enjoying downtime but may actually be depressed:
- Spending an excessive amount of time in bed (more than 10 hours a day)
- Looking down, sad, or tearful
- Being more irritable or reactive than usual
- Withdrawing from friends and family
- Scrolling through social media videos without emotion for long periods of time
- Not eating as much or eating much more than usual
- Expressing extreme pessimism or hopelessness about the future
- Making negative comments about their abilities, weight, or appearance
- Scratching or harming themselves
- Talking about death or dying
“If you think your teen might be experiencing depression, there is plenty of help available,” Dr. Guggenheim says. Start by talking to their healthcare provider. For more help navigating this challenging time, check out these facts for families from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry for middle school, early high school, and late high school and beyond.
By accepting these changes and seeking support, you can navigate this period of transition with your teen and foster a stronger, more adaptable relationship. Remember, you’re doing great, even if your summer plans involve more lounging and less traveling.