As parents, we want the very best for our children — for them to be happy, have strong and positive relationships, and succeed in life. If we can instill respect in our tiny humans, we can give them the skills to develop and demonstrate empathy, engage with the world through a compassionate lens, and ultimately experience strong and mutually positive relationships.1 Raising respectful kids is one of the most important things we will do as parents, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. In fact, there are certain things we must learn to avoid doing if we don’t want our children to be disrespectful.
10 Don’ts To Avoid Raising Disrespectful Kids
Here are 10 strategies to help your child steer clear of behaviors that could lead to a disrespectful attitude:
1. Don’t Be Inconsistent
Our children need us to be consistent so they can understand what we expect from them. If we’re inconsistent, it can confuse our little ones. We might see disrespectful behavior if our kids aren’t sure of the rules or how far they can push a boundary. It’s essential to establish clear rules and boundaries and set appropriate consequences (that you apply consistently) if they can’t adhere to them. This consistency helps them learn which behaviors are unacceptable and which rules to follow.1,2
2. Don’t Model Bad Behavior
Our children are like little sponges. They’re constantly learning and taking in new information, including what they learn from us as parents. Children often copy and mimic their parents, and if you use mean words, disregard the rules, or are disrespectful to others . . . you can bet your bottom dollar that your child is seeing this! And at some point, you’re likely to see them emulating this behavior, too. So, be mindful of how you engage with other people around you (not just your child). This will help teach your child how (and why) it’s important to treat others with respect and empathy.3
3. Don’t Ignore Disrespect
Sometimes when our children behave disrespectfully (particularly in public), it can be tempting to ignore them or give in so you don’t create a scene and feel embarrassed. But when you ignore the issue and don’t address things like them talking back, giving you attitude, or ignoring the rules, it signals to your child that it’s okay for them to behave this way.4
4. Don’t Overreact
Yes, I’ve said you need to be consistent and respond pretty immediately to nip disrespectful behavior in the bud. However, you also need to keep a check on your own emotions and how you respond to their disrespect. When a child (especially a teenager) is disrespectful, it can be easy to react with anger or frustration. However, if you overreact, it may escalate things and might even reinforce negative behavior (depending on how you react). I know it’s hard, but try to remain calm and address the situation or behavior in a measured and constructive way. Explain to your child why their behavior was unexpected or inappropriate. Explore the relevant consequences while making sure they understand what you’re saying.5
5. Don’t Avoid Consequences
It’s all well and good to have clear rules, but without consequences, the rules themselves can be undermined. An effective way to prevent unwanted or rude behavior is to establish consequences for a disrespectful child. If your child disregards the rules, there should be clear and immediate consequences. These consequences must be logical (i.e., the “punishment should fit the crime”), age-appropriate, and something you’ve negotiated in advance. If a consequence is logical, it will make more sense to your child, and they’ll be better able to connect their behavior and the unwanted outcome. For example, if they’re calling their sibling names, maybe they need some time to play solo. If they’re snatching toys, then they aren’t allowed to play with the toy.1
6. Don’t Ignore Positive Reinforcement
Teaching respect isn’t all about the consequences; it’s also vital to recognize the power of positive reinforcement. When your child shows respect, empathy, or some other prosocial behavior, make sure you acknowledge and praise them. This has a twofold impact — first, it encourages respectful behavior. (They will want the praise again. Or to feel good, they’re likely to replicate the behavior that earned the praise.) Second, feeling good about themselves will increase their sense of self-esteem.6
7. Don’t Forget About Teaching Empathy
Often, disrespectful behavior is intentional. Our little ones are still learning about the impact their behavior has on other people. So, ensure you teach your child about empathy. You can start by teaching them the words for different emotions so they can describe and understand a wide range of feelings. Also, point out when you recognize that emotion in yourself, your child, and others. This helps them make the link between their own internal experiences (emotions) and other people’s feelings. You can also read books to help them gain perspective on different people’s experiences or discuss various scenarios to get them thinking about how others might feel in certain situations.1
8. Don’t Underestimate the Influence of Peers
While you’re doing your best to raise your child to be compassionate and respectful, it’s wise not to underestimate their peers’ role in developing and influencing your child’s behavior. This becomes increasingly significant as kids grow older and become teenagers. If your child is playing with peers who demonstrate disrespectful behavior, they might begin to copy them to create connections or gain acceptance. While we can’t always control who our child is friends with, we do need to keep a close eye on these behaviors. We want to encourage friendships with people who hold similar values regarding respect and kindness and ensure our kids know how to say “no” or avoid peer pressure.7
9. Don’t Dismiss the Value of Communication
Having open, transparent, and respectful communication is key to preventing disrespectful behavior. If your child knows they can talk to you about difficult things, or if you make time to really listen when they want to talk about these things, you’ll create an environment where your child feels valued and understood. When children feel heard and acknowledged, it goes a long way toward reducing the likelihood of disrespectful behavior.1,4
10. Don’t Forget To Look After You!
Being calm when responding to disrespect is critical in managing and reducing this kind of behavior in children. However, it’s pretty hard to stay cool, calm, and collected if you aren’t feeling like your best self. Parents need to engage in self-care and learn relaxation or stress reduction strategies so they feel better equipped to handle the challenges of parenting. If you can manage your own stress and avoid taking things out on your child, you’ll be a great role model and provide the support your child needs to learn all about respect.8
Raising respectful kids is a continuous journey throughout their lives. If you’ve noticed disrespect creeping into your child’s behavior or attitude, it’s not too late to take action. Understanding what causes a child to be disrespectful, recognizing the signs that they don’t respect you or others, and knowing how to deal with an angry, disrespectful child are all crucial steps in fostering a respectful attitude. By modeling respect, teaching empathy, and being consistent with rules, boundaries, and consequences, you can create an environment in your family where respect thrives.